HOLD ME!

This picture was making the rounds on these 'innernets' and it touched me. Her raw emotion on the shoulder of a wax figure touched me. Of course, it was getting clowned etc. but I saved it because I fully understood. It's a three dimensional representation of someone she cared deeply about.

Just recently and I mean recently - I have been able to go down the card aisle during Fathers Day. It didn't matter that my daddy was not standing in the store, the cards represented loss for me.

I got to thinking about how I would react when I had an opportunity to be beside the wax figure and then I remembered:

I DID!!

What Kinda Fan are You?

Hmm, I have been thinking about my own question and I guess my fan-atic leans towards the purity of youth. I want to remain in the space of when I was 12-16 and in love with Mike. That was a good space because it was wide open for fantasy. He was bringing and giving me all that I needed. I am a heavy daydreamer. I have been able to survive out here due to that very fact. There sometimes involves alot of negativity around a person who things of alternate situations, ideas, outcomes and memories - but for those that do that, it's a coping mechanism.

Mike HAD to be my boyfriend, I couldn't have one in real life (well not in the open). Mike HAD to be my family, even back then I saw it going slowly to the left. Mike HAD to be my comforter, wasn't to much of that going around.

It seems funny I know, but ask another fan and they will give you a totally different reason as to what their fan-atic looks like.

Mine is full of giggles, and gazing at pictures, and studying the movement of his body, and getting caught up in the hysteria that surrounds him. YET, I am Gemini - so I can balance the fake and real pretty well and slide back and forth between the two seamlessly. I see the man for who and what he was and how that manifested itself and love him in spite of.

I don't worship him, but I do fall at the altar of his Entertainment, lol I plant flowers, sing songs and ring bells, lol lol I twirl around in a world similar to Avatar let's start a world called MIKEATAR!

The thing I find is that the common thread between most of his fans is that he offered 'comfort'. Isn't that deep? Does that make us all have this 'missing link' in our lives?

I am interested after the visuals and media that went around after his death, if someone is going to really delve into that whole fan thing when it comes to him, because it was EXTRA and on some level SCARY seeing as we are a Diety believing people and responded in kind at his death....

Let's see if anyone does that shall we?

In the Grips of Grief

A Thought Originally Expressed on July 25, 2009

I, like a lot of people are still grieving for the loss of Michael Jackson. It’s not over for us. It just keeps coming and coming. If you are on the left side of Fan Adoration – you have ignored the stories, the whispers, the media and everything else, however, if you are on the right side of fan adoration, you’ve had to force some bit of reality into your grieving – it’s the only way to move through the process.

I have been bopping around in stage two which is pain and guilt for a minute now. There is this rush of euphoria as I see all the ‘things’ I can now acquire about Mike. All this footage, good bad or ugly is footage nonetheless and I haven’t been able to live in the present persay with Mike in years.

Today – I was abruptly pushed into stage three with the breaking news that Dr. Conrad’s office was raided and Manslaughter is being attached to the ongoing investigation. Ya’ll know him – he was Mike’s personal physician and the last one to see him alive.

I’m not sure how I feel about this and should I be angry at him. Was he a quack, was he money hungry, was he start struck, was he forced under duress? I don’t know. I”m sure he’s somewhere conflabing with the Dr. from the Kanye West’s mom case.

I am however to the point that I”m mad at…MIKE! WTF?! Why would you destroy yourself like this? I mean about everything. Exactly what part of YOU GOT IT GOING ON – did you not get?!

Who are the legions of punk ass people – mouth open to receive your holy turds straight from the souce to just be in your presence and let you just run amok in your own little world.

I saw a picture of I know 300 negroes talking about they your family. You had that many people blocking some of them from saying to you NEGRO YOU NEED TO CHILL!!!

I’m mad at Joe – but not why everyone else is griping. I’m mad at Joe because he got a comment and has had a comment on EVERYTHING ELSE – but he didn’t smack you upside the head when you really needed it?! OK He was an ‘interesting’ Father- but he should have told you to GET OVER IT. You sitting up in a fantasy house with life size pictures of yourself as knights in shining armour BECAUSE I KEPT PUSHING YOU. You got folks jumping off bridges, fainting, falling out, etc. because I KEPT PUSHING YOU. AT Least you had a damn father!!! At least he’s alive!! katherine could have been alone with the 9 of you, cause Joe booked South. Joe worked hard, he saw something in ya’ll, he nutured it, he got it in front of who it needed to be in front of, he kept vultures away from you for as long as he could and like MOST KIDS – of course you told him to kiss your Moving Violation Ass. It was expected and would have seemed weird if you hadn’t.

Grief is not just for those that are dead – you can grieve about anything. You think you the only one who missed their childhood? Sorry, but traveling the world, doing what you love, having a missed opportunity to get more tail than Wilt Chamberlain ain’t a bad life!! There are some who have missed their childhood because they have been made to prostitute since age 6, some who have missed their childhood because they are laid up in a bed an inch away from death the whole time – you knew this and yet you sitting around still whining about it.

You could have experienced it differently. Little white boys dont’ have special access to childhood! You could have got you some fast cars, took you some fabulous trips, banged you some fabulous women. George Clooney is lving a ‘childhood’ of sorts, Diddy is living a ‘childhood’ of sorts. My momma always said YOU CAN’T GO BACK IN THE WOMB!!!

I grieve everyday and will probably be stuck in stage three about my own damn family for a couple more years to come. You think I thought it was gonna turn out like this? Nobody’s life turns out the way they dream about – that’s why it’s called a dream. Some of it may happen but for the most part – there is gonna be some hiccups.

I’m real mad at you Mike! I was fully expecting to see you being royalty in the Black Musical Community. So what you had vitiligo – you keep it real and we would have all just kept stepping.

I’m real mad at everyone who was so busy – you’re the king of pop that they didn’t tell you – there is only one KING and you ain’t it. All the people that sat around looking at you destroy yourself and was too busy taking inventory on your stuff that they ignored it. I’m just mad that as vocal and ignorant as black people can get towards other black people – someone, including family (as far as I know) didn’t jack you up. But then again – living my own life, I certainly can see how the one that sees can be made the villian as everyone else just wants to ‘keep the peace’ – so I fully understand and like in my own life – it’s a dayum shame.

So yea I’m in stage three and Michael Joseph Jackson – you have pissed me off – cause because of your antics, shenangans and straight grade A fuckery – you have made me have to write the soundtrack to the rest of my life myself AND I CAN’T SING!!!!!!!!!!

The Longest Most Satisfying Love Affair of My Life

I sat watching Soul Train with my family. The Jackson Five were to perform. I wasn't quite sure what all the fuss was about, afterall I was what six, seven years old? Then they came out and began singing. My young heart began beating so fast, I thought I was going to pass out! I looked into those almond eyes staring back at me in those quite colorful clothes and when he said "Come here Girl I think I love yah! Show me what you can do" I got to shaking my little Muslim Hips, cause I just KNEW he was talking to me - this can't possibly be what love is all about - but it was and I had begun my first love affair --- with Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson, His Brothers and Sisters have been thru my entire life with me. I don't necessarily identify with the 'typical' fan because it's not only about the music for me. I can recognize that Mike has some issues etc. but his music DOESN'T, and that's what I focus on now as an adult; but let's go back to when I was into the MAN, lol. I think he is responsible for the 'romantic dellusions' I have today, lol My entire room as a teenager, was covered with pictures of him. I had diaries devoted to him, letters I wrote weekly, the record player with his face on it and an undying passion to be his wife,lol.

Part of my popularity in late elementary school and early High School was the FIVE VOLUME fairytale that I had written chronicling our life from him meeting me at 16 to us celebrating our 25 wedding anniversary and everything in between. I would hold 'readings' such as they do today, where girls and guys would gather while I read aloud all of our exploits. Five - five subject composition books full of our life.

When 'Destiny' came out the album cover was a fold out. Mike was at one end and Randy was at the other. I learned about kissing from that album cover. My girlfriend and I would put that record on and as we sat and listened we would 'make out' with them. She was into Randy because I didn't associate with anyone that was into Mike, lol lol I have that cover still and their lips are kissed off, lol

There was a song for EVERYTHING that was ever going on in my life, lol lol As my young adult angst went to an all time high - HE was there. No matter who I was in love with that week (lol) Mike was the one who could sing about it and make me feel good or better. Parental problems, eventually He covered that for me as well, job issues - He got that covered, stupid negro issues - He always has that covered, Orgasmic heights of bliss, he got that too.

I've had the pleasure of seeing Mike three times in my lifetime live. All with his Brothers but seeing him nonetheless. I saw him twice in Atlanta and I saw him in Philly.

When I see him perform, a few things happen. I get extremely hot and have to take my clothes off and I get woozy. This is no lie, When the CBS special came out, I stripped and got right in front of the TV and passed out. I can cut that special on today and I'll sit there and swear it won't get to me and it does, lol

As I got ready to marry my soulmate there was noone else that I wanted to be at this union but Mike. After much searching I walked down the aisle to the Orchestral version of "Someday In Your Life" and walked out on "Can You Feel It?"

As I sit here today, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that my muse and comforter is gone - one thing I do know Mike is and will always be the 'soundtrack of MY Life'